Fatherhood or Feather Shred??

Times are tough, there's no denying it.  As a small business owner, I am often faced with choices that present me with the lesser of two evils.  Do I use the little cash I have to buy the cheese that my restaurant needs or make sure that my kids have formula and diapers?  I know what you are thinking, that choice should be a no brainer, but consider this...without that cheese, I might have to shut down and not make ANY money to support my family with.  What to do, what to do?  Either way I am going to get a shit storm from one side or the other; employees or wife, and sometimes both!  Honestly I don't think they understand how terrible that decision makes me feel, or the lengths I sometimes go to make it work.  My normal stoic self would never let them see me bleed, so internally as this maelstrom of doubt, anger, regret, helplessness and pain continues to roil around, I play the duck on a calm lake, only pausing from time to time to stare into space.  What to do, what to do?  Well, I guess I survived, got just enough to keep the doors open and got some formula for the kids, but that feeling you get when your vision closes down, your stomach won't quit acting like you have to take the worst shit of your life, and all you want to do is crawl up into a ball on the floor and play possum, hopefully if they think you are dead they will leave you alone. :)  Interesting enough, I haven't lost much hair from this, but the grey is much more pronounced.  The fucking stress is unbelievable, and it begs the question, why keep it up?  Well, if you had invested as much in this as I have, you might feel the same way, or maybe I just don't know when to quit.  I'm a horrible poker player, which probably translates here too, not knowing when to fold...good thing I am so good at bluffing or I wouldn't have gotten this far.  But going through the motions is no way to live, and this constant stress I am sure has been linked to shortened lifespans, but hey, I honestly think that if my stress level lowered, I would collapse like a bunch of broccoli.  So for now I keep walking the line, wending my way out of the underworld, daring not to look back or just possibly it will all slip away.